When I relaunched my blog, I told myself I would give equal attention to when and how my family struggles as homeschoolers, particularly me, as we do to the awesome stuff. Truth is, I really have to work on not worrying, and stressing about little stuff, and I have come a long way. Things I thought I would worry about pre-kids are not even on my radar, for examples, I couldn’t care less about what my kids choose to wear, so long as its(1) clean, (2) weather appropriate, (3) age appropriate, after that we are good. Hair? Has it been washed? Is it generally detangled? OK let’s go. But when it comes to getting stuff done, be it chores, or homeschooling stuff, I get crazy. I get frustrated, usually with myself, and I lose my shit. It is truly a struggle, I want to be the kind of parent that doesn’t resort to foul language laced tirades, but I do, too often, for my liking.
Yesterday was one of those days, in which I lost it. It was the busiest day yet, of the fall homeschooling session, we were trying to get some good work done, get dressed, eat lunch before tearing out for music classes, which we took a break from during the summer. It’s a crazy day when we have music because its like 3 hours of music, and we live in Newark, NJ and travel to NYC for the classes. Anyway,on this particular day in the year 2016, my son decides to have his tri- monthly, meltdown. Every 3 months my beautiful boy decides he wants to act out, and then when called out for his less then stellar behavior by mói, he gets super salty, and doubles and triples down on his behavior, making sure to disrupt everyone and everything else. This behavior just drives me off the deep end, and I know it, but I lose my shit anyway. It’s bad, y’all and I don’t like it. It’s not beat my kids bad, but just lots of yelling, stomping around and “fuck this shit, fuckity, fuck, fuck” stuff. At the end I feel like crap, my kids don’t want to come near me and I apologize but I do it again anyway. My losing my shit episodes, or mommy tantrums, happen around other things too, but this is the most recent example of how it manifested, this time. This is no good, so I have decided to go 30 days with out yelling, like really check myself, journal everyday, meditate, and stop before I open my big, loud Rican mouth. If I lose it, the clock resets. I want to see what my triggers are, and see how I feel before I get to that point were I am yelling, stomping and cursing a blue streak, general tantrum throwing stage. The whole point of homeschooling is to ensure that my kids have a supportive, loving, safe place to learn, and if mom is busy throwing tantrums, it doesn’t work. So we have to fix it. Understand that I am not looking for perfection, I am looking to get better. In my journey to improve myself, and in putting the work in I hope to show my kids that there is always room for improvement, and that even grown ups can grow and learn. And lastly you should never stop striving to be your best self.